awareness

For Cathy

you held my hand
and gently placed your other
on my chest

respirer
you kept saying
ça va, shhh, respirer
it’s ok, shhh, breathe

when i have a seizure
i want to hide
like some animal
seeking shelter
returning to my cave
remaining hidden
until the storm passes
but you found me
you came into my cave
and found me there
in that place of fear
and vulnerability

i can only imagine
your thoughts upon
finding me
my eyes wild
full of fear
howling uncontrollably

respirer
breathe
you kept saying

with your hand upon my chest
i heard those words
echoing somewhere
in my mind
in my dwelling
in the place i run to
when seeking safety

respirer
breathe

then i returned
the storm passed

shh, ça va maintenant
shh, it’s ok now

after a seizure
the world is silent
my body is fragile
as is my heart
you knew this
without words
you understood
you kept your hand
upon my chest
and let it rise and fall
with each breath i took

shh, ça va maintenant
respirer

For Samsø
(and the dialogue about love that was started there).

i walk the road leading into the field.
it is lined with
a row of now leaf barren trees,
a groomed wind-block
on the southern side.
in the north
an empty field,
the harvest was taken
some months ago.
i do not know
what grew there.
what was sown and
harvested were never questions
i asked.
now,
the field is lined
with tractor marks
that have collected rain water.
in the last light of the day
the frozen pools appear as glass,
as if the sky broke
and shattered downward.
i stand silently and observe
the last of the daylight
which is caught momentarily in the
frozen surfaces.
i watch the day as it
moves with haste
and witness the approaching night
that seems too eager
to arrive.
i wonder how this field
will be
in a few months;
when the snow and rains have stopped
and the earth dries.
when the seeds are spread
and the deer mark their
crossing path once more.
how will it be
when the wind-block
refills its branches
with a green
only nature can perfect?
how will time move
then?
how will its passage appear
here in a way that mirrors
nature, but also seems displaced
and removed slightly
so that symmetry will
never truly work in this place?
what creature will
look on?
a human, no doubt;
awkward and beautiful,
equal parts fear and love.
standing as one does
when in awe, when perplexed,
when confronted
by the subtle shifts
in the natural world
that we recognize within ourselves.

come, there is still magic here,

we haven’t yet lost it.

let me breathe it back into you.

the trees are covered in ice

it is early morning

the air is frigid

the day will warm

and the ice will melt

the trees are covered in ice

it is early morning

the air is frigid

the day will warm

and the ice will melt

the trees are covered in ice

it is early morning

the air is frigid

the day will warm

and the ice will melt

it continues

and continues

i wonder if our souls
speak different languages.
would your soul
recognize mine?
i want to see yours.
i awake
with this desire.
in the stillness of the night
i let mine call out,
“come to me”,
it says,
“we can hold this,
we can love this.”

For Jeremiah

i have gone within

folded my energy around myself as one might embrace a child

i left something in france
in those mountains
deep in those mountains

i am no longer jeremiah

i fought this ideas
i didn’t want to accept it
i didn’t want to believe it
even after months of transforming
after months of shedding layers
from summer
to fall
to winter
i held on

(in the dim light of the new year i finally awoke
in the early hours i opened my eyes
and i saw myself
i witnessed myself)

i wanted to return with him
i wanted to bring him back

i wanted to return with me
i wanted to bring myself back

i pleaded

come with me
i can’t be me without being you
who will i be without being you

you will be you without being me
you will hold you and only you
of you you will be
for you you will be

(in the dim light of the new year i finally awoke
in the early hours i opened my eyes
and i saw myself
i witnessed myself)

the scar had healed but it held so much pain
we reached for it
we reached to touch it

are you sure
this will hurt us
it will break us
push us apart
but growth is painful
are you sure
this will hurt us

we reached out to touch the scar

i can’t be me without being you
who will i be without being you

we reached out to touch the scar

you will try to return
there is safety here
even in heartache there is safety
the known is safe even if it is full of pain
you will try
you will want
you will crave
you will seek this
this place
you will seek me but i will be gone

i can’t

you will
when the storm passes you will allow me to remain here
in these mountains

(in the dim light of the new year i finally awoke
in the early hours i opened my eyes
and i saw myself
i witnessed myself)

lightly we touched the scar
under our gentle fingers we felt the uneven skin
the marks
the lines

a blinding light
a flash
a fire
white hot flame
a storm that raged so great
winds that blew so fierce
and rain that fell so hard
movement and shifting
movement and change
we fell downward
i fell downward
downward
the weight of these years
i was holding so much
i was stubborn

you can let go
there is no weakness is letting go
let go of this pain
release it
release me

we parted ways
we gave blessings
we took blessings

(in the dim light of the new year i finally awoke
in the early hours i opened my eyes
and i saw myself
i witnessed myself)

i entered another life
i had folded my energy around myself
as one might embrace a child
i was holding myself
for me and only me
of me i am
for me i am
in gentle whispers i sang
i sang of strength
i sang of love
i sang of renewal
of rebirth
of healing
of being healed
of being whole

you are you without being me

i am no longer jeremiah

you are no longer jeremiah

i have never seen snow

fall like this

it hangs in the air

suspended

i wonder if it is enjoying

the gentle descent

downward

the earth says

wait
i am not yet ready for you

the snow continues

and says

i am not here
for you