For Jeremiah

i have gone within

folded my energy around myself as one might embrace a child

i left something in france
in those mountains
deep in those mountains

i am no longer jeremiah

i fought this ideas
i didn’t want to accept it
i didn’t want to believe it
even after months of transforming
after months of shedding layers
from summer
to fall
to winter
i held on

(in the dim light of the new year i finally awoke
in the early hours i opened my eyes
and i saw myself
i witnessed myself)

i wanted to return with him
i wanted to bring him back

i wanted to return with me
i wanted to bring myself back

i pleaded

come with me
i can’t be me without being you
who will i be without being you


you will be you without being me
you will hold you and only you
of you you will be

for you you will be

(in the dim light of the new year i finally awoke
in the early hours i opened my eyes
and i saw myself
i witnessed myself)

the scar had healed but it held so much pain
we reached for it
we reached to touch it

are you sure
this will hurt us
it will break us
push us apart
but growth is painful
are you sure
this will hurt us


we reached out to touch the scar

i can’t be me without being you
who will i be without being you


we reached out to touch the scar

you will try to return
there is safety here
even in heartache there is safety
the known is safe even if it is full of pain
you will try
you will want
you will crave
you will seek this
this place
you will seek me but i will be gone


i can’t

you will
when the storm passes you will allow me to remain here
in these mountains


(in the dim light of the new year i finally awoke
in the early hours i opened my eyes
and i saw myself
i witnessed myself)

lightly we touched the scar
under our gentle fingers we felt the uneven skin
the marks
the lines

a blinding light
a flash
a fire
white hot flame
a storm that raged so great
winds that blew so fierce
and rain that fell so hard
movement and shifting
movement and change
we fell downward
i fell downward
downward
the weight of these years
i was holding so much
i was stubborn

you can let go
there is no weakness is letting go
let go of this pain
release it
release me


we parted ways
we gave blessings
we took blessings

(in the dim light of the new year i finally awoke
in the early hours i opened my eyes
and i saw myself
i witnessed myself)

i entered another life
i had folded my energy around myself
as one might embrace a child
i was holding myself
for me and only me
of me i am
for me i am
in gentle whispers i sang
i sang of strength
i sang of love
i sang of renewal
of rebirth
of healing
of being healed
of being whole

you are you without being me

i am no longer jeremiah

you are no longer jeremiah

last night i dreamt about V_____.
what does that mean,
to dream
about an ex? I awoke
wondering where she
is, how she is doing.
the dream was weird,
in it we just drank
tea. the last time we met,
before our lives
drifted apart,
she drank black coffee
and i drank tea.
the coffee was so strong that,
with every sip she made a sort 
face, a wrinkling of her nose,
a look of repulsion.
but it was too late,
she wouldn’t add milk or cream
or sugar. she hated showing
weakness of any kind.
that’s all i ever wanted to show,
i wanted to expose
all that was within me,
to lay it out
on the table, raw.
that was so long ago. 
now i drink my coffee black 
and as strong as possible.
i drink it for hours until i’m almost 
sick.
i don’t even think of adding
milk, or cream, or sugar anymore.