oh where oh where oh where oh where
that is how this poem starts
in my mind.
i asked myself, ‘do you recall
where you left that emotion?’
but i couldn’t.
so i just bought time
trying to wait it out
by asking,
oh where oh where oh where

i placed delicate lily petals
on the floor
and lit candles.
the light crept around
the darkness,
along with the sounds of summer
and the heat –
such heat.
i can’t remember your taste,
a memory i can leave
in the past,
but the lily petals,
how they curl inward,
flesh toned and sensual,
they remind me
of who i was –
of who i am –
even as i willingly
release memories of you.

01:00. Quiet. This, to me, is the most sacred time. Gentle breaths. Every part of the skin is aware of the stillness. I never liked the night. My fears would always find me. Now I long for it. I can strip down and be as I wish. I can witness without judgment and hold myself. I reach out to dreams now, and open to them, let them fill in the questions and unknowns. The stillness holds space, and the night, it grants me freedom not felt in the day.

father, as i age
i can see you
in my eyes,
and in the wrinkles
on my face.
they are not
sad eyes,
just pensive,
eyes that hold more feelings
than age.
i don’t know
what aged you,
what put those
emotions deep within
those eyes of yours.
I know they would
hold me.
it wasn’t always with
love. no,
it was seldom so.
there was a bitterness
there, deep in
those eyes.
when i look at
my reflection,
when i hold my gaze,
i see a gentleness
brought about by
life and all the trials
i have had.
it never made
me bitter.
it never made me
as it made you.
but i do not
trust myself.
my words can bite.
i don’t want my
eyes to as well.
i don’t trust
that they
will always hold
those dear to me
with love.
no, i don’t.
i have tried.
now must turn inward,
and let my eyes
look outward
toward the word,
but only truly
see within.

why are you visiting
my dreams?

didn’t we share
everything

in waking life
that expressed our

desire? but now
i wonder.

in dreams there is
a gentle slowness.

the haste
and intensity

that burned us to the
ground

stays away.
and when i wake

i wonder if i should
reach out.

perhaps i should
extend my hand

and make tangible
the dreams that move me.

but i don’t.
no,

not anymore.
i prefer my dreams.

in dreams
i am indestructible.